Cooking with Andy 1

Twirly Pasta with Lacerated Greens and Dead Cow

Today, on Cooking with Andy, we learn how to make this infamous Kiwi dish, which is guaranteed to be a favourite with your cousin from Australia who you didn't know you had, and to warm the heart of even your most cruel friends.

Ingredients
Half of a garlic, chopped up finely
Two onions, sliced lengthways
Some brocolli
A red pepper and a green pepper
Some herbs from the mysterious cupboard above the stove - you know the one.
Three cans of Italian tomatoes, they must be Italian
5 kransky sausages
Some mince patties
A pack of twirly pasta

Instructions
Fry garlic until it starts to go brown, then add onion.  When onion has started to turn light brown, add your herbs - such as rosemary, oregano and some cumin might be nice.  Keep stirring it with your wooden spatula.  Get the left-over mince patties from the fridge, and break them up into little chunks and pop them in the pan.  Then slice up your kransky's and throw them in.  Give her a good old stir and then proceed to tear apart the green pepper and the red pepper, both of which look just a bit past their use-by date.  Nice.

The baked-bean can with the whole Italian tomatoes in it looks a bit lonely there in the fridge: cut them up with a knife a bit and then pour them in.  Wrestle the tops off a couple more cans of chopped tomatoes with the blunt can-opener, and drop them in the mix as well.  Ah, blow it - the brocolli, cut that up and drop it in too, maybe no-one will notice.

Now, when it comes down to it, nobody actually knows how to cook pasta.  There is no "correct" way to do so. Just put it in a pot with some boiling water, and throw some salt and a bit of oil in.  Put a lid on the pot if you care about your wallpaper.  It's all about gut-feeling here, instinct.  About 10 minutes into the cooking process, carefully get a piece of pasta and chuck it from hand to hand until it is cold enough to bite.  If there's just the tiniest shade of white when you've made a cross-section of the pasta with your teeth, she's good to go!

When the stew-mixture starts to bubble over, and Italian tomato juice starts to drip down the cupboard doors, you will know that it is all nice and cooked.  Get rid of the water in the pasta pot, and then dump the contents of the pan in.  Stir it all up nicely, remembering the rule about mixing muffin-mixture.  Put some in a bowl and...  Enjoy!