An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
You have been to France before, Monsieur?' the customs officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The elderly gentleman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible' said the customs officer, 'The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!'
The Man gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained;
'Well, when I came ashore on the Beach on D-Day in 1944, I couldn't find any flippin' Frenchmen to show it to!!!
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label joke. Show all posts
Monday, 22 March 2010
Thursday, 11 March 2010
I lol'd
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next".
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Wednesday, 3 February 2010
I Lol'd
I haven't laughed for a while, and it's been too long since you read some high quality humour, so here's an email that's been circulating about Security Levels...
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Wednesday, 20 January 2010
I lol'd
I have a number of serious posts waiting to be written but in the mean time, how about a pretty decent joke about Aunty Karen...
The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"
"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"
"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
I lol'd
A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi. Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land. Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good. And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.
Tuesday, 8 December 2009
I lol'd
Scrubone's posted a few good jokes recently, here's the best one...
One day an out of work actor named Tim is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to Tim that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the actor a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. Tim accepts.
So the next morning Tim puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as an actor.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lions cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives Tim a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, Tim keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. Tim is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. Tim is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, he starts screaming and yelling, ‘Help, Help me!’, but the lion is quick and pounces.
The actor soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, ‘Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?’
One day an out of work actor named Tim is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to Tim that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the actor a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. Tim accepts.
So the next morning Tim puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as an actor.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lions cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives Tim a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, Tim keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. Tim is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. Tim is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, he starts screaming and yelling, ‘Help, Help me!’, but the lion is quick and pounces.
The actor soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, ‘Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?’
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
I lol'd
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple and asks the guide for details. The guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations and are still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 2,503 years old," replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he asks how he knew this precise figure.
"Easy," replies the guide. "The archaeologists said the temple was 2,500 years old, and that was three years ago."
"This temple is 2,503 years old," replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he asks how he knew this precise figure.
"Easy," replies the guide. "The archaeologists said the temple was 2,500 years old, and that was three years ago."
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
I lol'd
Scrubone is a man with a well developed dry humour. Here's a recent joke from his blog,
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, “OK, now what?”
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, “OK, now what?”
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
I lol'd
from the London Times
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.
It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5.
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant .
"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err ... no!" insisted the Council.
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a man who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million!
And no one even knows his name.
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.
It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5.
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant .
"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err ... no!" insisted the Council.
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a man who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million!
And no one even knows his name.
Sunday, 8 November 2009
I lol'd
Haven't had much humour on the blog lately, but here's some medical humour inspired by Scrubone.
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m ok but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say,” asked the nurse.
“oops!”
And, indicators that it might be time for you to look for a new doctor...
- He keeps accidentally referring to himself as "the defendant."
- He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, "Doctor Jim Beam."
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27.
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty.
"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m ok but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say,” asked the nurse.
“oops!”
And, indicators that it might be time for you to look for a new doctor...
- He keeps accidentally referring to himself as "the defendant."
- He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, "Doctor Jim Beam."
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27.
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty.
"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'
Thursday, 3 September 2009
I lol'd
Scrubone can be relied upon to dig up a good joke - here's one he posted today.
A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well, I’ll be jiggered,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
“I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does.”
A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well, I’ll be jiggered,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
“I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does.”
Friday, 24 July 2009
I lol'd
A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a
fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall
is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've
been to confession, but I must first say that the
confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"
fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall
is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've
been to confession, but I must first say that the
confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
I lol'd
I asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up.
She said she wanted to be the Prime Minister like Helen Clark some day.
Both of her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labour Party!"
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her.
I continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the Dairy where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I smiled and said, "Welcome to the ACT Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
from Get Frank
She said she wanted to be the Prime Minister like Helen Clark some day.
Both of her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Labour Party!"
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I told her.
I continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house, mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the Dairy where the homeless guy hangs out. You can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I smiled and said, "Welcome to the ACT Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
from Get Frank
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Weekly Joke
Right, it's been pretty tough going over the last few weeks... time for a joke.
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
lol, Isabella clinton has just posted four funny jokes...
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"
"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
lol, Isabella clinton has just posted four funny jokes...
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Weekly Joke
The weekly jokes haven't been very weekly in recent weeks. I've been busy with various projects and study. Weak excuse I know. But we can have a good laugh at this gem I found at the-jokes.com,
True story from a Novell NetWire System Operator:
Tech support: Hello, this is Tech Support.
Caller: Is this tech support?
Tech support: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
Tech Support: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it.
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't hold back the laughter. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
excuse the foolish puns... it's 2:30am, I think that may have something to do with it.
True story from a Novell NetWire System Operator:
Tech support: Hello, this is Tech Support.
Caller: Is this tech support?
Tech support: Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?
Tech Support: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?
Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.
Tech Support: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?
Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it.
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't hold back the laughter. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
excuse the foolish puns... it's 2:30am, I think that may have something to do with it.
Thursday, 9 April 2009
Weekly Joke
I'm not generally a fan of "Christian jokes", but this one's passable; more of a laugh at American culture than anything else really. Found this joke at Constant Joy - click here for more.
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
Weekly Joke
A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo. The father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.
"Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ... "
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
" ... what bus should I take home?" the boy finished.
"Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ... "
"Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.
" ... what bus should I take home?" the boy finished.
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Weekly Joke
How Times Have Changed
Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his gun rack.
1957 - The vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car, and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - The school goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, and Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario:
Jeffrey won't be still in class and disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey is sent to the office and is given a good paddling by the principal. He returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt the class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie and is tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his dad gives him a spanking with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being
abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom falls for the psychologist.
Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in state prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
Thought these were pretty amusing. From GCFL
Scenario:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his gun rack.
1957 - The vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car, and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - The school goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, and Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario:
Jeffrey won't be still in class and disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey is sent to the office and is given a good paddling by the principal. He returns to class, sits still, and does not disrupt the class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie and is tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his dad gives him a spanking with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being
abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom falls for the psychologist.
Scenario:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in state prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
Thought these were pretty amusing. From GCFL
Saturday, 31 January 2009
Weekly Joke
A farmer was showing his city-friend around his farm. He showed him the cows and the sheep, and his big new tractor in the equipment shed. As they were heading back to the farm-house, they stopped at the pig-pen. The man from the city looked at the pigs, and was surprised to see that one of them had a wooden leg! He asked the farmer why the pig had a wooden leg. "Oh that pig," said the farmer, "that pig is a very special pig." He pulled out his tobacco, rolled a cigarette, lit up and sighed contentedly. "A few years back our house was burning down, and we were all asleep inside" the farmer began. "This 'ere pig smelled the smoke and saw the flames. He ran into the burning house and, holding the collar of my pajamas with his teeth, pulled me out. Then he ran back in and pulled my wife out of the house. Then he ran back into the house and pulled out my young girl to safety. Then he ran back into the house to pull out our baby son. Finally, braving the terrible flames, he ran back in and collected our valuable heirlooms such as our wedding photo-album, and dragged them all out onto the front lawn, to safety. Then he ran to the well and filled a bucket with water and ran back to the house to pour the water on the flames. He kept running back and forth from the well to the house, keeping the flames under control until the fire-engine rolled up. "Wow, what an amazing pig!" exclaimed the man from the city, leaning on a fence-post and looking intently at the pig. "But you haven't told me how it got the wooden leg" he reminded the farmer. "Oh," said the farmer, "you don't eat a pig like that all at once!"
- wrote this one from memory, since I couldn't find a version that was any good online.
- wrote this one from memory, since I couldn't find a version that was any good online.
Friday, 16 January 2009
Weekly Joke
The Waltons invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr. Walton was asked what he did for a living.
Eight-year-old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!"
Mrs. Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that? Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."
"No, Mom. Every time we visit Dad at work and he hangs up the phone, he laughs, rubs his hands together, and says, 'I just caught another fish!'"
Eight-year-old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!"
Mrs. Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that? Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."
"No, Mom. Every time we visit Dad at work and he hangs up the phone, he laughs, rubs his hands together, and says, 'I just caught another fish!'"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)